70 things I've learned in 30+ years: a birthday reflection
lessons learned, advice given and received, random hacks, what makes me "who I am" or whatever, and a variety of miscellaneousness.
Intro:
I’ve seen a couple of these kinds of lists over the years and I’ve always been fascinated by them. It makes you stop and think, “Hmmm what is it that I’ve learned?” If anything. “What life lessons have made me who I am?” Whatever that means. “What are little nuggets that have really stuck with me over the years?” Okay, I can probably do that one.
I’m a journal’er, and birthdays are always the best time of year to sit and reflect, and I felt this was a good prompt. The day of my 31st I sat on a beach in Pensacola, Florida totally by myself. My husband was “there,” but at a work conference inside the hotel. Bummer, but honestly the solo-beach time was invigorating. I got out my phone, opened my Notes app, and began typing while trying to drown out Ke$ha blaring from a bluetooth speaker to my left and a kid screaming, “Mommy, I’m eating sand!!! Mommy, mommy I’M EATING SAND!” to my right (the mommy did not look nor care). Before I knew it – and because I was trying so hard to drown out so much for so long – I suddenly had a lengthy list. I was initially going to do 31 lessons for my 31st birthday but I clearly needed 40 more for safe measure. It was fun to do. I encourage you to give it a try.
Overview:
These are items I’ve learned the hard way, learned the easy way, come up with myself, or taught directly from the wise minds of others. They vary from super silly to dead serious; abstract to obvious. A good bit are things from childhood but mostly from adulthood, because that’s when ah-ha moments tend to happen and life lessons become clear and solidified. Some are my life’s motto, while others are things I am (cringes) STILL working on.
Without further ado…
70 things I’ve learned in 30+ years:
Ask your parents and grandparents to write down their recipes on index cards in their handwriting. Laminate them.
Going to the movies by yourself is actually a blast. Especially if it’s a movie you want to openly cry about with zero inhibition… Little Women, Me Before You, Dear John, Frozen 2…
If you need more volume in your hair, wash your hair with your head flipped upside down, whether in the shower or underneath a bathtub faucet. I don’t care how well you scrub, you’ll never get a truly good wash on the top of your head/scalp (or a truly good rinse) standing up straight with your hair slicked back.
Making friends is hard. DM a person if you like their vibe and ask them out for coffee. It’s worked for me 6 out of 6 times and has led to really great friendships.
Always ask how to spell someone’s name if it could go either way. When someone asks me, “two L’s or one?” “an i or a y?” I could kiss them on the mouth.
When someone sends you a song to listen to, a YouTube video to watch, or suggests a book or movie, try to take the time to do it.
THROW AWAY ALL OF YOUR SOCKS THAT DON’T HAVE A MATCH. Your gut reaction is to say “no” but just do it. Then, buy a bulk pack of new ones that are the same color and style and you will never have to worry about matching again. My husband and I did this the Winter of 2021 and we’ve been riding that high ever since.
Do your thing and quit caring when going to the beach or pool. Wear a cheeky bathing suit. Take off your cover up. Sit up straight and don’t care about your rolls, stretch marks or cellulite. Why? Because that’s what bodies look like. Drop the mentality that “everyone looks good BUT me…!” If you look around you can spot a dozen or more people whose body looks just like yours. Have fun - pool and beach days are rare - go do a cannon ball and stfu.
Speaking of, don’t point out someone’s weight or use weight-based comments as “compliments.”
“Have you lost weight? You look AMAZING!”Save new music for the car. That is where the acoustics are best.
Always carry antidiarrheal meds with you when you travel...
Be nice to service workers at the drive through by saying one extra sentence after the Generic Sequence of Three: “Hi how are you?” “Good how are you?” “Good.” Say a fourth. It makes them feel like a person. Tip learned from my sister.
Don’t turn around and look when a baby cries in a restaurant, or on a plane, or just any public place. Craning your neck to lock eyes with the parent does not make the baby stop crying, but it does make the parent feel worse.
I read a book once that explored how karma is misunderstood (book: The Many Daughters of Afong Moy). It isn’t always “bad people getting what’s coming to them.” but the opposite. Going out of your way to make life easier for someone else will, in turn, lead to people and the universe making life easier for you (positive karma instead of negative).
Ones I live by:
Never leave clothes in a dressing room, even if other people have. If you can, grab theirs too and bring them out with you.
Do a general tidying of your table at a restaurant before you leave.
Don’t leave your shopping cart in the parking lot.
A tip learned from when my mom worked at a trucking company: Wear SPF on the backs of your hands when you drive. The long-time truck drivers had sun spots and leather-y left hands, left arms, and left sides of their faces, while their right sides looked noticeably better. Once you realize how often direct-sunlight is hitting the tops of your hands when you're in the car, you won’t be able to unsee it.
Tip learned from my husband who has to do routine driving school for work: If you’re driving and the light turns yellow and you don’t know whether to speed up or slam on your breaks, the length of a yellow light is determined by the speed limit of the road you are on. For every 10mph difference, that’s one extra second. If it’s a 30 mph road, you only have a 3 second yellow light; 55 mph road = 5 second yellow light ; 60 or 65 mph = 6 second countdown until it’s red. So on and so forth.
The key to good posture… a tip learned when I worked for a bridal company that did photoshoots for major magazines: raise the crown of your head as high as you can – as if it’s being pulled up by a string – and lower your chin.
Don’t call out someone’s grammar or spelling mistakes if you know what they’re saying and if there is no consequence for them doing it incorrectly (AKA a majority of the time). A caption? No. An instagram story? 1000% no. A presentation they asked you to proof read? Sure, totally. My newsletter? Don’t tell me. I’m jus’ a baby.
Go on “solitude walks” and “solitude drives.” Tip learned from the book Digital Minimalism. We need 30 straight minutes every single day without any noise. Go for a run without music. Drive to town and don’t turn on the radio. Clean the kitchen without your TV on in the background. (Apparently) It’s really, really, really good for your brain.
Road trip rules: Always get “childhood candy” at the gas station. The more sour, neon, chewy, and probably-toxic your candy is, the better the trip will be.
My four year stint as a waitress (ages 15-19) was the most valuable learning experience I’ve ever had to this day. At LEAST once a week there’s something I say or do because I vividly remember someone saying or doing the unflattering opposite.
^^another (very) valuable lesson learned as the employee who cleaned the men’s and women’s restroom stalls at the end of each shift: The most intuitive/convenient stall to walk into when you enter a restroom is always the dirtiest by a million miles. Never never never go in the handicap stall if you’re using it just because its the biggest. The handicap stall’s toilet paper (and trash can) had to be maintained 3x as often due to its high amount of traffic – and high traffic is making it so icky for those who actually need it. So… Take a second when entering a restroom, scan your options, and choose the smallest, or darkest, or just LEAST intuitive one to walk towards, and that is your best bet. Even if that one is icky too, I promise you that it has had the least amount of visitors.
A lesson learned at a conference about maintaining healthy adult relationships, both personal and professional: When you think of someone (dream, random memory, just totally out of thin air) the “rule” is to stop and text them right then and there. “Hey, X! I just saw a commercial about Maine and remembered you moved out there for work. Thinking of you guys!” As simple as that. It goes a long way.
A similar lesson learned from an unrelated podcast, specifically for personal relationships with people you’ve lost touch with: When an old friend pops into your head, you should also text them right then and there. Intuition and gut-feelings are powerful, and you will learn they almost always needed to hear from someone.
Intuition! Learning and understanding the difference between intuition and anxiety: when to listen and when to ignore. TL;DR: Intuition is calm and anxiety is loud. Intuition is having a feeling of knowing. Example: leaving work and thinking, out of nowhere, “I’m going to take a different route home tonight. I’m not sure why I just feel like I should.” Just a quiet thought or sensation. If that happens, act on it. Anxiety is, “Omg it’s late. I wrecked last time I drove this late. And I still don’t know how to change a tire… omg…omg…omg…” If that happens, (try to) ignore it.
Be bad at things and still do them anyway (for me: yoga, skiing, baking). For the rest of our lives if we only do the things we are naturally good at, that would be like… 3 things.
Observation from my friend who was a foreign exchange student: When you’re a guest at someone’s home, say yes when they offer you food or drink. She said that Americans, in an attempt to be “polite,” always say, “No thank you.. I’m okay..” / “Nope, I’m fine.” / “Thanks, I’m good!” She said it’s actually more kind to accept the offer for that slice of cake they made, or a banana from their table, or glass of water. Because of her, I almost always say, “Sure!” now, and it really does make the host so excited.
If you have someone’s telephone number, text or call on their birthday. A Facebook comment alone is for people that don’t really know you.
Avoid being the person that brags about being a nonfiction only! reader. It is the most pretentious and boring thing. It gives vibes of Frat Boy who graduated from college with a low GPA and is now posting on LinkedIn about his sick new job and tips on investing. Fiction is where you learn the most. Honestly.
Use your library, it’s so cool.
Do whatever you have to do to drink water. Whether it’s a cute cup. A silly straw. A clock timer. Flavor additives. Whatever. It makes your skin so much better and squishier.
When ordering a pizza, request it “uncut.” This prevents the grease leaking between the slices and pooling in the bottom of the box. It provides you with a dry, crispy crust every time, and the pizza employees have said on multiple occasions that they appreciate us saving them the extra step. (Credit to my husband for this.)
School supplies shopping is not just for kids. If there’s something like that that you miss on a deep, guttural level, go do it. Buy Trix yogurt. Get on a rollercoaster. Get a hair wrap at the beach. This is why adults have negative serotonin…we don’t play.
Go underwater when you get in the pool or ocean even if you have somewhere to be later and it messes up your hair.
If there’s any way you can get into a Delta Lounge when you have a long layover, do it.
Go through your closet and toss/donate any and all outfits, shoes, hats, accessories, etc. that are linked to a bad memory or era. Ex: get rid of the shoes you were wearing when you got broken up with in college, toss the athletic shirt and Nike hat you wore when you got rear-ended. Clothes carry energy. The same way that a new, well-fitting outfit can give you joy and confidence, an outfit linked to something tragic will do the opposite.
Pinterest color-boarding is very relaxing. i.e. starting a new board, picking a color (ex: blue), searching, “blue aesthetic,” and adding all of your favorite images to that board. Does wonders for a racing mind or anxiety.
Choose colors other than pink and red at the nail salon and you will spend the month acting differently.
Stop going to tanning beds.
In the winter, turn your heat all the way up in your car and then roll the windows down. It will create a neutral temperature and you will feel invincible.
Print your photoooos!!!! Facebook and Instagram won’t last till you’re 60. You will not even have the same cell phone in 5 years. Yes, you may back-up your phone onto your laptop but that laptop will break. Your digital camera’s memory card WILL get lost in your move. Tip learned from… experience.
Donate to peoples’ GoFundMe s when you can.
Go to funerals. We are at the age now where we expect other adults to go but now we are those adults.
Go to the visitation too. Stand in line to hug them.
If there’s an open casket, actually stop and make an out loud compliment to the family. “They look so beautiful! I love her scarf.”
Bring the person who is grieving a silly gift.
Put Death Anniversaries of your friend’s loved ones in your calendar and contact them when it’s the day of.
If someone is staring at you at a bar or out in public, make eye contact and say
“…What?” and break the tension. It can be firm, casual, or upbeat. It throws them off so badly, and makes them uncomfortable instead of you.
Make flossing your teeth part of your self-care routine. This is the best floss.
Sunsets and the literal moon don’t look good in photos so don’t be shocked when you don’t either. It’s not you, it’s the camera lens (no, really). This visual comparison demonstrating how different lenses warp the look of your face changed everything for me.
Rent cameras for your big vacations or trips from here. You can rent a camera worth $1,000+, for 7+ days, for around $100. Get extra batteries too, and charge them in the room while you take it out and about. If you are going with another person, have them rent their own as well. That way there are also candid pictures of you.
Invest in cute thank you cards and go to the post office and buy a ton of stamps. Actually add, “buy stamps” on your to do list. Stamps are usually the one thing holding you back. Then write something nice and send them.
Don’t judge your local MLM ladies so hard. You know the phrase, “Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” I feel like it was inspired by a MLM seller in everyone’s hometown. They are putting themselves out there (likely) because of a financial battle you know nothing about. I used to judge so hard until I put my foot in my mouth and I’ll never think of an MLM person the same again.
Leave comments on people’s photos, blogs, YouTube videos. Even if it’s just “love it.” “Thank you for this.” It does more than you know, and is a quick way to ensure the content you like keeps coming.
When you go out to eat and are approaching your table to sit down, choose the chair that faces the wall or least amount of things. Avoid the seat facing the action and especially avoid facing a tv. Eliminate visual distraction and your company will enjoy you much more. My husband has done since our very first date and it’s something I’ve always admired.
Go into a restaurant with the understanding that you will be leaving a good tip. If it helps, add ~5 dollars to every price you see on the menu. That delicious cocktail you want is not $10, it’s $15. The $28 pasta you are eyeballing is really $33. Oftentimes we ball-out ordering and then suddenly become frugal when we tip because we feel guilty about what’s on the final bill. Eliminate that issue by adding it on in advance.
Sometimes it’s actually worth it to pay the premium cost for an app if you think you’ll use it. It actually kind of holds you accountable. I pay for the Superhuman meditation app, Temply video editing app, and Canva Pro to name a few.
The best way to deal with a Problematic-Person-that-is-telling-you-something-problematic is by saying, “Wait- What do you mean?” Or, “What? I’m confused.” over and over until the person realizes they are being racist, elitist, ableist, or homophobic. It’s non-confrontational, and, by you being confused, they over-explain and fumble on their words until they suddenly realize they’re the problem.
Negativity-as-a-joke becomes less and less funny, even if you’re trying to be relatable.
Cont. You don’t have to undermine your wins and things you are proud of to be relatable either. You don’t have to explain the bad in an instagram caption when you’re celebrating the good. You can just outright say it’s good. Period. (Still working on this.)
Wake up times. If you woke up early, you are not morally superior. If you slept in and/or took a nap, you are not lazy. When you wake up at an early-hour that’s unlike your norm, don’t mention it in conversation. No one cares if I’ve been up since 4:45am this morning and am “so tired!!!”
You’re not doing yourself any favors by saying no to a physical group activity because you’re not good at it. You’re not preserving your coolness nor preventing embarrassment. The coolest adults and coolest parents I know are the ones that get asked to play sand volleyball and say “sure!!” or get out there and do ____ despite being “terrible.” No one cares. They just want you there.
As we know, memories are linked to certain scents. Take advantage of that. Buy a new perfume for a special occasion. Use it for that occasion and then the next time you use it you’ll have a flashback to that initial memory. (Example: I did this for my wedding day, and rewear that perfume on every anniversary dinner.)
Scrapbooking and journaling are two of the best practices I could have ever started, and I’m so glad I did. It reminds me how full and happy life is, even in the hardest of times.
Books are more enjoyable when you research and pick them out yourself. For every one book you pick up based on someone else’s opinion, read two that were based on your own.
Tip from a magazine article I wrote once but.. still don’t do. “Get an ice cream cone and don’t take a picture of it. Go to a concert and don’t take a picture of it. Bring a blanket and a stack of books to the park, lay in the grass and don’t take a picture of it. Try to do things that only you know about.”
Compliment elderly people. After a certain age it’s common to start feeling invisible or unseen. I’m 31 and I already feel it. Make them feel seen. If she has on cheetah print shoes, go find out where she got those cheetah print shoes. But don’t do it in a patronizing, sing-song way as if they’re a newborn baby or a zoo animal.
Tough love: Sometimes you are really pessimistic, ungrateful, manipulative, loud, annoying, a bad friend, a rude daughter (the list goes on). Acknowledge that and don’t make excuses for why you were “right” in that moment to be that way.
Neutral love: You are simultaneously not as bad of a person as you think, and not as good of a person as you think. So give yourself a break and get over yourself at the same time, respectively and respectfully.
“Dopamine Decorating” works. Buy funky items for your office or the space you spend the most time in. Buy the mustard or dusty pink loveseat instead of the neutral. Toss your cheap, clear flower vases and buy this strawberry shaped vase. Spend a mere $20 on removable stickers for your wall and see your mood instantly improve. I guarantee if you drink coffee out of a mug like this instead of a stupid white one you will have a better day.
Email a teacher (or two) (or ten!) that you had during your K-12 years that made an impact on you. If you can’t find their email, find them on Facebook and send them a message. I’ve only done this one time, but years later she contacted me and told me that that message helped her officially decide not to retire yet and she was so glad she didn’t.
Always drive the speed limit the last week of the month. Okay. I’ve yet to prove this theory officially, but I’ve heard they have to meet a quota and they tend to wait till the end of the month to catch up. (Do you ever drive down the interstate and think, “Omg that’s the fifth person I’ve seen pulled over!!!” ?? Check the date, it’s almost always the end of the month.)
If you REALLY stop and think about it, we only know things about ourselves because someone else told us. You are a good singer. You have pretty eyes. You are funny. You have a nice speaking voice. You are smart. // We don’t come up with these things and believe them wholeheartedly on our own. Someone had to tell us before we believed them. Two things: tell others these compliments to build their arsenal of what they believe about themselves. But CONSTANTLY tell yourself things no one has told you and wish they would. It’s now true because you said so.
BONUS LESSON (and maybe my favorite): A graduate professor once told me while I was crying buckets of tears in her office, “Allyson, at the end of every day you are a 10 out of 10 person.” (The general context and reason for the tears: I didn’t feel like I was doing anything well. I know, classic. I felt like I was trying so hard at so many different things and still was never achieving success at any of them, and, objectively, I wasn’t). When she said I was ~a 10 out of 10~ I did a pitiful-sarcastic eye roll at her like, “Sure, yeah, okay, whatever…quit patronizing me, lady…”
But she went on to explain a deeper meaning. She gave an example and that said she, too, is a 10 out of 10 person – that everyone is. On days she’s a successful teacher, “Let’s say an 8 out of 10, because no one is ever a perfect ten at anything!” that she had only 2 parts left of herself that day to be a 2 out of 10 mother. She said that some days she’s a 6 out of 10 friend (“really good!”), a 3 out of 10 mom (“meh”), and a 1 out of 10 employee (“yikes”). 6 + 3 + 1 = 10.
She explained we only have 10 parts to ourselves each day, and each and every day those parts are shuffled around and prioritized differently. On days you succeed at one thing, it’s because you sacrificed other categories of your life. Just because you are a 0/10 friend/spouse/partner/employee/writer/reader/whatever today, doesn’t make you a bad friend/spouse/partner/employee/writer/reader/whatever.
Summary:
You will never, no matter what, and no matter how hard you try, be a 10/10-anything. Be okay with that. (And actually that’s so good, because you don’t want to be a 0 at literally everything else in your life lol.)
Accept that your “score” will fluctuate every single day. You are going to be really, really bad at one or more things today because that’s… just how it works. IT’S MATH. IT’S NOT YOU. But the good news is that every morning there’s a clean slate and you get to choose what you prioritize.
As you lay your head on your pillow each night, rest so easy knowing you are a 10 out of 10 human being. Every single day. At all times. Even if you are a ONE – at TEN different things!!! – you are still a PERFECT TEN. Isn’t that such a relief?
That’s about all I’ve got. *hands on hips + leg prop*
Turns out, a redneck girl from Alabama, from a house made of literal logs and then a double-wide trailer in the woods !LOL! has learn’t some stuff. Ayeee. Who would have thought! People sometimes look down on us folks from the woods but we are like, really good at getting out splinters. I’m a professional, basically. But I suppose that’s a life lesson for another time, partner. I can’t give away everything for free.
Thx for reading<3
Reading this way after you posted it, but loved every second of it. I especially love the one about complimenting the elderly. I work in a memory care center with individuals who have dementia, and the way that they all light up whenever you give them any compliment (they look handsome, their nails look nice - even if I literally was the one who painted them an hour earlier, that they're outfit looks good on them. They love it. They may not remember it shortly after, but in that moment it makes the biggest difference.
i loved every bit of this!!! glad you didn't stop at just 30 things.
you're a gift to this world, my friend